I Finally Understand

Ok so I am sorry in advance… I just wanted to write down what was going through my head so  here you are…. The odd thing is the other day after posting my post ‘So Hello,,,Part 2’, is that an amazing Blogger left a comment saying that her ex and her couldn’t be friends after their break up and she was happy that I managed to…So in order for this post to make complete sense we are going to have to go back to January 12th..

January 12th one of my closest friends had a little gathering where certain things that maybe shouldn’t have been available were avliable…so yeah I didn’t get drunk…honest. But what did happen is, as twenty or so teenagers were getting drunk the stereotypes started coming out. By this I mean that we started to see the aggrieve drunks and the emotional drunks. Of course there were the happy and the energetic ones to. Anyway one of my friends got completely wasted and she was the emotional drunk. Now If you don’t have that type of friend that when she or he is drunk they get super emotional and start crying then believe me you are extremely lucky…For some reason the drinks didn’t really seem to do much to me or so I thought…After trying t convince my emotional drunk friend that not everyone hates her I then sat down and began thinking about me, my life, my friends…Just everything and whilst doing so I ended up saying to one of my friends these exact words ” Do you know how crap it makes me feel knowing and feeling like the only person I can actually talk to is my ex” So of course then we all got upset and blah blah blah (think I’ll save this story for another post)

so the point I was trying to make is that I basically told my friends that I trusted my ex more than them which is kinda true…scratch that it is true. Fast forwarding now to February 14th yep valentines day. A girl I used to be friends with was having a party and invited a few of her friends and of course again there were certain thing that were available that… you get the idea. But what I didn’t know was she literally invited like five people including my ex who was one of my closest friends although he doesn’t need to know that ok? to understand why I ended up drinking a much as I did you first need to understand this :

the girl who was throwing the party lets call her Ella. So Ella like my Ex and has always liked him. My ex has never liked Ella in that way and recently started talking to Veronica and Veronica might have a crush on My ex. Oh and then there’s Alice who ( at the party) tried to use My ex to get back at Ella for kissing Alice’s Boyfriend…Yeah Drama

Anyway so I got there  and realised it was literally like a gathering f five-eight f us which would have been cool if it wasn’t for what happened (which will also be in my next post on Saturday) long story short I ended up hugging my Ex a lot Ella kinda got jealous and veronica and I drank a tiny bit too much. I ended up telling Ella I didn’t like My Ex and I didn’t want to be friends anymore but that was because I felt like I was standing in the way.

So by now you must be thinking what are you talking about why did you just make me read those ling stories all for you to c me to com here. Well today I realised it. Recently I had been asking My Ex why were we friends and he just replied with because we are and because you trust me I  all generic types of things but it wasn’t until today how stupid I realised I was being. So I realised the only reason we were friends, was because I told him how I was feeling and what was wrong with my life and he would make some comments that would then either make me feel better or not as bad. Nut this then made me think ‘why tell my friends who have enough on their plates, why not just tell him’ so yep you guessed ut I did and now I feel like I depend on him and I don’t like the fact that it seems like I depend in someone who isn’t actually there  for me. He constantly puts me down and  although we say we are friends we aren’t …I’m not quite sure what this post was meant to achieve but I’m going to post it anyway…right now  I feel like I’m in this kinda limbo state I’ve lost something, someone and I’m still trying to figure out how. Tell me if I’ve made any sense I started writing this post when I was feeling an intense feeling and as  I got to the end the feeling I had, had kind of gone .

Sorry for the ramblings of an emotional teenager…

See You Soon,

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5 responses to “I Finally Understand

  1. I used to make this kind of post all the time. I started writing to “get it out of my head” and at the end of the post I wasn’t even sure of what was on it. But trust me, it’s ok! Writing can really make you feel better, when you can’t get things straight in your mind.
    You don’t have to feel ashamed to be a little dependent on your ex. It just makes you… human. Our lives can be so complicated sometimes, that it’s great to have someone to share our problems with. It doesn’t make you weak or anything. If you feel more comfortable with your ex than with your friends when it comes to sharing personal things, then share them with him (as long as he’s ok with it, too). You don’t have to justify yourself with your friends, you have the right to do whatever makes you feel good.

    Also, I wanted to let you know that I nominated you for a Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award on my blog 🙂

    Ellie from indiellie.com

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    • Wow. This comment just read my mind. You are brilliant and so insightful. Thank you so much I felt like I owed an explanation to my friends but I couldn’t provide one. But your comments really made me realise that …well like you said I’m only human. Thank you for the nomination I’ve already accepted this award but I think (once I figure out how) ill add your blog to my blog roll I love it.

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      • I’m glad I was able to help you somehow, it makes me really happy!
        Don’t worry about the nomination, I totally understand 🙂 Thank you so much!

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  2. Takes courage to post something this personal. I care deeply about the quality of life for my staff, if you ever need to talk, you know where to find me. Stuck behind the laptop typing away on the next project whilst indulging in some Mozart.

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    • I just think I needed to tell someone what I was really thinking and hey why not tell the world. I’m finding it hard at the moment to tell people what things especially after my “drunken outburst” but I think now that I’ve decided to stop letting certain things and people in my life that don’t need to be, things can only get better 😉keep writing your Blog its great I loved your post on staying true to yourself. Such an inspirational person aren’t you 😁

      Liked by 1 person

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